Movie Review: xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

We need to talk about Vin Diesel’s career, and how no one knows where it’s going to go next.

America’s balding bulk of muscle was nearly over by 2009 after the likes of Find Me Guilty and Babylon A.D. failed to certify Diesel as a bonafied superstar. Even his return to the Fast & Furious franchise (with the movie of the same title) wasn’t an immediate hit. It was looking as if the droll chrome dome was deemed to be merely a product of early-2000s macho cheese, something as easily disposable as the “No Fear” t-shirts everyone used to wear (myself included, no shame). But then came the one-two punch of Fast Five and Guardians of the Galaxy and Vinny boy was back into our hearts and our wallets. As of late, Vin has become a real franchise player, what with sequels to Guardians and Fast & Furious set for the coming year and even another entry in his treasured Riddick saga supposedly in the works. But what about anything other than a licensed IP? His attempts at being a solo fantasy star (The Last Witch Hunter) and a supportive dramatic actor (Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk) haven’t played out in Vin’s favor.

So now it’s back to Vinny Franchise with his return to third most-popular franchise, xXx: The Return of Xander Cage. 15 years (and one Diesel-less detour with Ice Cube) after Xander Cage made saving the world extreme (or Xtreme? HA, beat you to the punch. Or PUN?!….sorry), the world still isn’t safe from international terrorists flipping over things in black sportswear. With that, CIA agent Jane Marke (Toni Collette) decides to bring back ol’ Xander (Diesel) to the frontlines. He needs to track down a gang of ex-xXx agents (Donnie Yen, Deepika Padukone, Tony Jaa, and Michael Bisping) who’ve stolen technology that can hack and crash any satellite in orbit. This time, Xander’s got a team of his own (Nina Dobrev, Ruby Rose, Kris Wu, and Rory McCann) to help save the world and, as Augustus Gibbons (Samuel L. Jackson) would say, “look dope while doing it.”

First off, the obvious: of course the movie is dumb. Physics, science, maturity, and logic are out the door by frame one. Fortunately, The Return of Xander Cage knows exactly what it is and what its goal is. What’s actually pretty impressive is how it manages to bring some of itself into 2017 without appearing dated. Dirt bike stunts, skateboarding, and extreme skiing (like normal skiing just at a higher velocity and more implausible) are not only acceptable, but are actually somewhat enjoyable in this movie’s dojo. Thankfully some of the original movie’s elements are left behind in its own decade, with nu-metal replaced by modern club rap and anarchic missiles replaced by hacking computers.

But it’s still a xXx movie and a sequel in modern Hollywood, also one that clearly suffers from the current trends of soft-reboots (Jurassic World, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Terminator: Genisys). Remember when Xander went through “the test” of the fake criminal scenario? You get it again here. Remember his ridiculous fur coat? Look at what he wears for only one scene! Remember “I live for this s**t”? One more time for the road! Director D.J. Caruso (Disturbia, I Am Number Four, The Disappointments Room) has moments of solid fight scenes and others of overly-edited fist fights, gorgeous locations to soak in and others that fall flat without potential. It’s as if The Return of Xander Cage is too lazy to try anything new or go full-on stupid like the Fast & Furious movies do.

Speaking of which: since that franchise’s cast of colorful and established characters aren’t around, this movie decides to shoehorn in an international cast of its own to save face. The leader of the pack is Donnie Yen (fresh off of Rogue One), who manages to put his acclaimed martial arts skills to good use and make corny action movie one-liners work. He even manages to match Diesel’s charisma in the scenes they share together and the two make a solid pairing. Nina Dobrev takes over the “annoying tech nerd” role, though with way too many annoying puns to tolerate. It’s as if Caruso told her to be Kristen Wiig’s nervous “just kidding” travel agent from Weekend Update while constantly hitting on Vin Diesel. All the other support falls by the wayside, even Collette acts like she just got Botox injections before each take and is trying to fight through it and Jackson has a total of two scenes in the whole.

And here’s my theory about Vin Diesel: Xander Cage is a better character than Dom Toretto. Diesel’s Fast & Furious character is so lacking in charisma and boring that it makes sense that he has to be surrounded by other people to make him even partially compelling. With Xander Cage, Diesel is looser, more charming, and more likable. Cage is a much more fitting character for Diesel’s personality and shows much more potential as a leading action hero. He may be a bit older and a touch slower (especially compared to Yen), but Diesel still had the likability and comic timing to make himself worthy of following in this ridiculous shlock.

There’s nothing mind-blowing or exceptional about The Return of Xander Cage, but it’s certainly above the standard quota of January movies. Even as the movie teases future adventures that aren’t anything to get excited over, it reminds people what kind of action star Diesel can be. Beyond the stern Dom Toretto, the sullen Riddick, or even the goofy Groot, Diesel is a guy who seems to know he’s a macho blockhead and uses that ambivalence to the obvious punchlines thrown at him to charm his way through scenes. As far as a star-vehicle goes, it manages to keep its star busy while also reminding audiences we came to see him in the first place.

Rating: 5.5/10