TV Review: The Royals (3×03) “Aye, There’s the Rub”

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THE SITUATION:

This week’s episode of The Royals is a filler episode about the twins and their (sort of) new paramours.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Brother’s Secret Girlfriend
Through a series of flashbacks, we learn the history of Catherine, Robert, and Liam. They all met at her father’s pub’s 500th anniversary, during which Robert and Catherine began a secret relationship. Liam asks Robert why he keeps her a secret, and he realtalks his little brother about the fact that she’s not royal and won’t be accepted.

In the present, Catherine feels guilty and misses Robert. Liam explains that he was always okay with being the spare until they both met Catherine. He says that next time he knocks she shouldn’t feel guilty. He immediately knocks and the two kiss and get all couple-y. Their time together is cut short because Catherine has to go to work for a vet support group meeting. Liam visits the support group to give a speech about Robert and his greatness. Catherine’s sister attempts to flirt with him, but he only has eyes for Catherine.

Liam asks Willow to help him set up a charity for vets. He’s all over the moon about his new relationship with Catherine and ends up revealing that random friend Madden asked him if he could ask Willow out. Willow is upset when she hears that Liam told him to go for it. Later, she congratulates him on his confirmed parentage and is sad when she finds out about his new lady friend. Since when is Willow in love with him? I don’t want her pining for him, she was more interesting the other way and he’s fickle as all hell. They have to figure out what they’re doing with Liam’s love life.

Jasper and Eleanor, a Cyrano de Bergerac Story

After several failed attempts at writing love letters, Eleanor listens to Sara Alice’s suggestion of getting a royal scrivener to do the work for her. Eleanor grants this task to Mr. Hill, claiming it in exchange for her babysitting services. Plus, he knows them both better than anyone. He agrees to it once he sees their sad emoji exchanges.

When Jasper finds Eleanor’s letter, he brings it to Hill and requests ANOTHER letter from him, meaning that Hill has been writing letters to himself this whole time. Eleanor and Sara Alice burst into Hill’s office to find Jasper and Hill writing together. Eleanor reads the new letter, upset that both of them have betrayed her trust. Hill reveals that he was also the author of Eleanor’s letter, making her upset that the two of them can’t do anything right. “Maybe we just don’t get each other like I thought we did,” she says.

When Sara Alice says that she doesn’t think Eleanor is a princess, Jasper defends her. He explains that because she’s pretty, doesn’t need rescuing, and does what she wants, she’s even more of a princess. Eleanor overhears and kicks Sara Alice out so she and Jasper can reconnect in the physical sense.

Helena Watches TV in Bed

Seriously, this was a whole storyline. When Helena gets sick, the new Lord Chamberlain sends her back to bed and has the television set up in her room. She becomes addicted to a reality TV show about spoiled royals, as does her staff.

Cyrus Continues to be Gross

Cyrus brings the Violet double in to “get things working again,” sex-wise. She’s appalled. When she’s unimpressed with his threat of treason, he offers her a buttload of money. After her disciplining him fails to solve his issues, he dismisses her. She says she must have really loved Violet and he’ll find love again. A true waste of air time.

It’s in Your D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DNA

The DNA results are in. “Regardless of who their father is, you’ll always be their mother,” Lord Chamberlain says. Interesting how quickly he’s become Helena’s main source of support. Helena calls her children in. She reveals that she’s their mother (obviously), Simon was their father, and that the original blood samples were never actually tested–it was all a ruse put together by her and Cyrus. Liam says it’s done and that she made it right. Bygones, and all. He thinks she made the deal because she didn’t believe in him, but she assures him that she does now. She immediately schedules a press conference.

Helena gloats to Cyrus about Liam’s impending rule. “Oh there’s a god–unfortunately, she’s Team Helena.” Cyrus is bitter, saying that one day he hopes that she’ll understand what it’s like to know loss, which I find utterly absurd. So does Helena, who points out her losing Robert, Simon, and Allistair in one go.

Helena finds Eleanor laughing and smiling at Jasper’s latest letter. She apologizes for lying about the DNA tests and sleeping with Jasper. Eleanor is pretending it didn’t happen; after all, Helena deserves to get her kids back. The two are celebrating when they come upon scruffy Robert. Brother’s home!

Unfortunately, I found this episode to be mostly filler. The developments between Jasper and Eleanor just felt like we were re-hashing things that we had mostly worked out. Currently, I’m not very interested in Liam and Catherine’s relationship; considering how fickle Liam is, I’m about to start calling him Romeo. While we’re talking about filler, let’s address the fact that Helena’s storyline was legitimately about her watching a reality tv show. Anyway, inoffensive, but ultimately kind of unnecessary.

Episode Rating: 4/10.

Bri is a 25-year-old born and raised in the swamps of Jersey. Just kidding, she lives at least twenty minutes from those swamps. She’s a publishing professional that moonlights as a writer. She enjoys going to concerts (anything from Rooney to Springsteen to NKOTBSB), roadtripping, and complaining that she truly belongs in the 1950’s, the 1920′s, or the 1980′s depending on her mood. She definitely owns more books than she should and reads every chance she gets. If you stop hearing from her, it’s because the book piles have fallen over and smothered her to death in the night. You can contact her at bri@theyoungfolks.com. Twitter: @bri_lockhart